To Help & To Hurt

So there's this new thing

Called "Pinterest"

And I absolutely love it.

It's like a ginormous "bookmarking" webpage.

You find so many awesome things there:

"God doesn't give you the people you want; He gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be."

I'm really good at loving people.

That sounds funny. Let me clarify:

Loving and caring about people comes pretty easily to me. I like it. I'm good at it.

And most of the time, it makes for a pretty happy life.

I am really not good at forgiving people.

There's not really a whole lot to clarify there.

It's not easy. I don't like it. I'm not good at it.

And most of the time, it makes for a pretty unhappy life.

I have had a number of experiences that have left me slightly...cynical.

They've taught me how to pretend.

They've shown me that I should trust very few people.  

Sometimes I fall too easily in line with Jane Austen's words, as related by every girl's literary romantic hero

{if any of you even think the word "vampire" I might throw up. literally.}

Mr. Darcy:

"...My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.”

I'm not necessarily proud of any of this.

I am finally learning more about a huge flaw in my personality.

Let's put it this way:

Forgiveness? Not my strength.

There is a significant amount of truth in that quote I posted at the beginning. Some people are sent into our lives as blessings, to be angels, comforters, and foundations; others are sent to be our lessons.

I have an easy time identifying the blessings.

I am so grateful for the ones who are here to help me and to love me.

The only problem is, I divide the categories slightly differently.

There are those who are here to help and love....

....and then there are those who are here to be found out for their hurtful ways and are then to be avoided and mildly despised.

Um.

See?

I told you forgiveness is no strength of mine.

Holding grudges, however, apparently is.

As a very good friend reminded me recently, holding a grudge is "like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

And it's true.

These last few days have been hard.

You know the feeling you get when someone yanks a rug out from under you?

...Acutally...that's never...really...happened to me. Or anyone I know. Or to anyone who isn't a fictional, comedy television character.

...

Oh. Here's a better analogy:

You know when you have those dreams, right when you're almost deeply asleep, where you're going up some stairs, and somehow the next step completely evaporates, and your foot slams down hard, and you get that sinking feeling in your stomach?

That's kind of what it feels like when someone you trust and care about accuses you of something that had nothing to do with you and informs you that you are the expendable one in their life. 

It throws you for a loop. It hurts. It makes you angry.

If you allow it to, it destroys your faith and trust in people.

Like "drinking poison and waiting..."

I've learned a lot these past few days.

As unfortunately painful as they've been, they've also been incredibly enlightening.

I am so blessed. 

I have so many helpers in my life.

The friend who invited me to stay the night on her couch, when dealing with things by myself was just not appealing. 

The friend who gave up his plans for the night to go with me to the store, to listen and advise and comfort, when he could have easily said no.

The friend who left a sweet note of encouragement in my locker.

The friend who greeted me one morning with a smile, a hug, and a question of concern.

The friend who did his best to make me laugh when I was on the edge of tears.

As for the hurter..

Well, if nothing else, I know that I have survived this before, and I will again.

The only difference is that I'm going to try to learn my lesson better this time. I'm going to work harder until it's an essential part of my life.

I intend to become an expert at forgiveness.

:)

It is so hard. I don't want to think about what this person might be going through. I don't want to care about them still. I don't want to see their good qualities. I don't want them to feel like they're "off the hook" for the things they've done and said.

All thanks to the helper who reminded me about this amazing example of forgiveness, and who invited me to read it again as I work through my inability to forgive.

Wow.

I am nowhere near Amish status, neither in the severity of my pain, nor the extent of my forgiveness.

If all those mentioned in that talk can forgive someone of such a heinous thing as murder, and forgive them so quickly and completely, then I should be absolutely embarrassed if I couldn't do the same over something of much smaller consequence.

It isn't going to be easy. It isn't really supposed to be easy.

But it is necessary.

...I'll let ya know how it goes.

For now, however, I'm going to focus on being grateful for the people in my life;

both the helpers.. and the hurters.