I feel like this a lot.
It is a daily struggle to keep my head above water lately.
But I love my life right now.
It's an absolutely fascinating paradox.
I'm a college student--a college student studying music no less. Of course there are going to be days when I feel like I'm barely making it out alive. But this semester it's been more than "every so often."
I'm not depressed. I don't wind up in tears every night as I drive home (that only happens every so often ;) ). My life's pretty great. I'm in a great place, surrounded by incredible people, doing something I absolutely adore.
So I honestly don't know how to explain it. But I was talking with a very dear friend of mine the other night, and she mentioned that she feels happiest when she's busy.
And I thought about that.
When you're going, going, going, drowning, you don't have time to stop and think about how hard it is. You just keep doggy-paddling, but you know what the cool thing is? It's when you're doggy-paddling that you notice the beauty, the hilarity, the ridiculous, and the joy.
It's when you're doggy-paddling that you make the life-affecting decision to laugh or cry.
And, honestly, sometimes it's best to do both.
It's when the water's up to your nose that you discover just how incredibly tough you can be.
It's when the water's up to your eyelashes that you run into a floating buoy you can cling to for a moment.
It's when the water's up to your eyebrows that you find that blessed rock at the bottom to kick off of and propel you onwards and upwards--and start your paddling again.
It's when the water has completely overtaken you, and you've sunk for a while, that you realize there's no way in Hades you're letting the water win, and you fight your way back to the surface.
It's when your heart's broken that you learn to look out for others.
It's when you want to cry that laughter tastes the best.
It's when you're sinking that the tiniest accomplishments feel like besting the fire-breathing dragon.
It's when you're so busy being stressed that the smallest act of random can bring you to your knees in wonderful, side-aching, I-can't-breathe laughter.
It's when you feel like you can't go on that you realize the alternative--standing still--sucks.
It's when everything feels like a tragedy that you feel the most grateful.
I am grateful for every single life-saving rock. For every momentary failure. For the knowledge I have and the knowledge I am seeking to acquire. For every person who has been a rock, a dragon, a wave of water, a temporary buoy. For every moment of random. For every moment of the ridiculous. For every night spent in the company of good people. For every giggle, chuckle, and guffaw. For every tear. Every trial. Every single tender mercy.
I can't stop and think about it too long, because everything overwhelms me and I sink.
But you know what?
One way or another, on my own and relying on the help of my Heavenly Father or the angels he has placed in my life, I'll make it out again.
And keep dog-paddling on.