Today

I ate with the same fork, from the same bowl, as four other people.

I talked with my music professor about weekend plans and messed-up hands.

I protected--and was protected--from the evils and annoyances of the world.

I laughed until I couldn't breathe.

I ranted and listened.

I watched a member of the faculty join a bunch of students for ice cream after a concert.

I played Tchaikovsky & Brahms, Bach & Beethoven. 

I was a part of the strangest little dysfunctional family ever.

I'm so blessed, and so grateful for all the ways that I am.



Oh, The Wheel in the Sky Keeps on Turning...

(or, in other words, my Father in Heaven knows me really really well)

(also, 10 pts to anyone who can name the band)

I'm getting ready to finish my fourth semester at BYU-Idaho.

My FOURTH semester. I mean...I "graduate" next December. I have to start my Student Teaching Application soon. Next semester I will officially be an upperclassman and one of the oldest in the cello studio.

So many things have changed.

I'm not going to lie and say that change and I have this awesome relationship...but we don't hate each other. Basically, change is always going to be an epic mix of heartbreak, joy, excitement, and terror. It's always terrible and wonderful. It's absolutely painful and bittersweet. But it's also always going to happen. Lots of bad things have happened in my life due to change--but there have been just as many (if not more) good things.

There's lots of kinds of change. I mean, over these last 4 semesters I've definitely gotten older. I've definitely seen and done and experienced more. You can't go through college and not experience change.

But one of the meanest ways college has switched things up on me has definitely been in the personnel department.

As I've said before, 85-95% of this blog is about the people in my life. Even with all I know about people in general, I still love them. If someone is in my life, they're there for a reason. And once you're a part of my life, oh boy, you're stuck :) I care about those who are in my life intensely. I probably care too much, actually--in fact, many of my friends this semester have started referring to me (affectionately, I hope...) as "Mom." (A title I've been fighting against... until the other day in church when I actually reached into my bag for some fruit snacks to settle down my starving and restless roommate.)

But, I digress.

So here's the thing: college is pretty rough, people-wise. In high school, you pretty much knew that you were all stuck there together until graduation, and then the likelihood you'd end up at the same college as a few of your friends was pretty high. It's not like that anymore. The frequency with which people move in and out of your life is terrifying. There's no way you'll end up graduating with all of the people you know in college, unless you started the same semester together--and even then, it's a little sketchy. And when people move on from college, they move on into their lives. They don't just stay in the same place. They go to grad school at least 3 hours away. They end up with the jobs of their dreams. They get married, have babies, and move across the country.



And you can't even be upset about it, cuz you're just so darn happy that their lives are working out for the best. They're moving on into life; bigger and better things await.

But it sure sucks getting left behind.

Since my first semester here, I've been losing people left and right. Thanks to little things like missions, graduations, and track assignments, every semester is different. I look back to my first semester here, how the cello studio was, who occupied my little circle of friends...and I can't believe how much it's changed.

 I look forward and I'm scared to see how much more it's going to change. Just within these next six months, I will lose two of my closest friends; both set to graduate and take off on the next adventures in their lives. Who knows how many more will follow?

But here's the part where I quit complaining, because, now that I'm looking back--and, to a certain extent, looking forward--I realize that I'm so blessed.

For one thing, all the people who have moved on from this little college-sphere still play huge roles in my life. The way I see it, you can't spend 17 or so hours out of 6 days a week together and not stay in touch, right? There are too many shared memories, too many common bonds, too much mutual respect and love. I have no doubt that, with a little bit of work on both sides, the people I am closest with now will be in my life forever.

And then there's this strange phenomenon where more people keep entering my life.
And not just any random people ---wait, let me take that back. The people in my life are most definitely random. I mean that it is not random that they were placed in my path.

You guys.
The Lord knows me and my needs so well. Every single time I've been looking forward to a semester or period of time and thinking how alone I was going to be, someone would appear. Whether it was my first Snow family or my first set of good roommates, I had people to lean on.
Sometimes it was something as simple as coming to better know someone who had always been "around." Other times, it was like I turned around and someone had literally appeared out of nowhere. Quite a few times what got me through was the random text, phone call, letter, or FB wall post from someone I don't see everyday anymore.

A friend of mine--ironically, one who has only recently become such a big part of my life these last few months, a classic example of what I'm talking about--and I were discussing this the other night. A lot of the time, you don't even realize that it's happening, but it is. You stop and think about it one day, and all of a sudden, you realize that you have a circle of friends about you that you never would have foreseen a few months ago.

And each rotation through people brings brand new experiences. Brand new personalities. Brand new ways to see the world.

So, as much as I am going to miss my friends--honestly, sometimes the thought of not having them near anymore physically aches--I know that:
A) I'll still talk to them, see them every so often. We'll still care about each other. They will still be in my life.
&
B) If you can't think of anything else, you can say that old friends leaving only makes more room for new friends to occupy.



.....Don't know where I'll be tomorrow..

But wherever it is, I know 'it' will be filled with people to get to know and love.

And What An Impression You've Made...

New favorite thing to quote in my apartment.

Thanks, Kellen :)



Filterless

2.5 hours of sleep.

No, it's really not as fun as it sounds. 

The reason isn't nearly as fascinating as the outcome.

I find being sleep deprived so funny. You force yourself out of bed and the whole time you're getting dressed, you feel like you want to throw up. For the next hour, it's an epic battle to keep your eyes open. Blinking too long is sketchy. Praying gets downright dangerous.

Then, when you power yourself through that first hour, you're unbelievably awake. You chat (too much), you laugh (too loud), you become the life of the party.

For about an hour.

Then you crash again.

And the day kinda goes on like that. You have moments of brilliance, followed closely by the more-frequent moments of mind-blowing idiocy. The line between laughing and crying is so very thin, and an off-hand comment from anyone could produce either. It's literally a 50-50 chance sort of thing.

Plus, you know, the obvious lion-yawns and monster headaches and the lack of ability to process anything.

But for some reason, I take it one step further.

I lose my filter.

Now, I flatter myself that I generally have a very good filter (trust me, you would not believe how good of an actor I can be)-- it's not perfect by any means, but it works pretty well.

I mean, some people don't even really have a filter. They just let whatever pops into their head pop right back out.

It can be a good thing.

Most of the time.

I think the reason that I lose my filter is due to the whole "lack-of-processing" thing. I literally don't have time to think through what I'm about to say before I see it floating in the air right in front of me. Add in the time it takes for me to focus on these floating words, read them back, and process just what exactly I said, and you've got several seconds of silence before I realize I have either just offended or greatly amused the person I'm talking to. 

The worrying thing is, I can't even count on text messaging or other non-face-to-face interaction to save me. You'd think I'd have time to process what I'm saying when I'm typing out the message; you'd be wrong. 

I don't know.

On a certain level, going filterless for a day is extremely liberating. Aren't there a bunch of sayings about putting yourself and your thoughts out there everyday for people to see? About how it's supposed to be good for the soul, and might even land you the man of your dreams or the opportunity of a lifetime?

....

Well. I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, I got off a couple of really good zingers that I never would have said had my filter been in working condition. 

But mostly it was just hard. 

Hard when someone would talk to me and I couldn't give a decent percentage of my attention or excitement to them and they assumed in me a sense of apathy.

Hard when someone I care about makes a joke, needles me with a tease, or responds to a serious comment with humor and I snap back without comprehending. 

Hard when you can't even explain why you're acting the way you're acting.  

I like my filter. I like the way it works and I'm very grateful for it.

I guess all this was really just a long way of getting to the point where I can say sorry.

I honestly apologize for anything that came out of my mouth that probably shouldn't have.

Gettin the filter looked at this weekend. Should be good to go by Monday.

I hope.

Why Do We Fall?

I feel like this a lot.

It is a daily struggle to keep my head above water lately.

....

But I love my life right now.

It's an absolutely fascinating paradox.

I'm a college student--a college student studying music no less. Of course there are going to be days when I feel like I'm barely making it out alive. But this semester it's been more than "every so often."

 I'm not depressed. I don't wind up in tears every night as I drive home (that only happens every so often ;) ). My life's pretty great. I'm in a great place, surrounded by incredible people, doing something I absolutely adore.

So I honestly don't know how to explain it. But I was talking with a very dear friend of mine the other night, and she mentioned that she feels happiest when she's busy.

And I thought about that.

When you're going, going, going, drowning, you don't have time to stop and think about how hard it is. You just keep doggy-paddling, but you know what the cool thing is? It's when you're doggy-paddling that you notice the beauty, the hilarity, the ridiculous, and the joy.

It's when you're doggy-paddling that you make the life-affecting decision to laugh or cry.

And, honestly, sometimes it's best to do both. 

It's when the water's up to your nose that you discover just how incredibly tough you can be. 

It's when the water's up to your eyelashes that you run into a floating buoy you can cling to for a moment.

It's when the water's up to your eyebrows that you find that blessed rock at the bottom to kick off of and propel you onwards and upwards--and start your paddling again.

It's when the water has completely overtaken you, and you've sunk for a while, that you realize there's no way in Hades you're letting the water win, and you fight your way back to the surface.

It's when your heart's broken that you learn to look out for others.

It's when you want to cry that laughter tastes the best.

It's when you're sinking that the tiniest accomplishments feel like besting the fire-breathing dragon.

It's when you're so busy being stressed that the smallest act of random can bring you to your knees in wonderful, side-aching, I-can't-breathe laughter.

It's when you feel like you can't go on that you realize the alternative--standing still--sucks.

It's when everything feels like a tragedy that you feel the most grateful.

I am grateful for every single life-saving rock. For every momentary failure. For the knowledge I have and the knowledge I am seeking to acquire. For every person who has been a rock, a dragon, a wave of water, a temporary buoy. For every moment of random. For every moment of the ridiculous. For every night spent in the company of good people. For every giggle, chuckle, and guffaw. For every tear. Every trial. Every single tender mercy.

 I can't stop and think about it too long, because everything overwhelms me and I sink.

But you know what?

One way or another, on my own and relying on the help of my Heavenly Father or the angels he has placed in my life, I'll make it out again.

And keep dog-paddling on.

Ugh. Let me out of here.

Sooo.... I love the ocean. A lot.

It was by far one of the best parts about living in Southern California.

Definitely one of the best parts of all those high school orchestra trips to Cali.

And one of the many many incredible things about the tour through British Columbia, Canada, and Washington state.

The ocean is incredible. It's an instant tranquilizer and stabilizer for me, every single time. I just love it.

Guess what?

Idaho's landlocked.

Rexburg is especially landlocked. At least in Burley, we had the 'mighty Snake River' (seriously, I'm pretty sure that's how every event advertises it). In Rexburg, we don't even have a good river.

Usually this isn't too big of a problem. I mean, it's frustrating, but I've lived in Idaho long enough to accept it--grudgingly. But last night, the distance from Rexburg to the ocean was just too much to take.

Well. Suffice it to say that whenever I'm done here in Southeastern Idaho, I'm getting myself on a coast as soon as possible. I don't care if it's east, west, north, south. I'm gonna be there.





20th Birthday Adventures

20 years.

That's such a freaking long time.

I mean, it's two decades.

And if you think about it, a LOT of stuff can happen in two decades.

And that's how long I've been alive.

Let me just give you a rundown of how my day went.

(pictures of the day will be up as soon as I get them :) )

• Woke up earlyish to a verrrrrrry decorated bathroom mirror (Thanks Kelsey!!)
• Barely made it on time to 745 Theory where I was sung to by the entire class and a very enthusiastic piano-playing Bro Hansen
• 9am String Practicum: started the day off right with a bunch of sugary donuts--all thanks to Naomi!!--before being sung to by a bunch of non-vocal majors (with invisible percussion accompaniment by Naomi)
• Violin playing test = fail.
• 10:15 Conducting: failing at conducting Beethoven 5. Failing harder at acting like a crazy person while conducting Beethoven 5, even when Bro Hansen bribed me with an A+.
• 11:30 Baroque Ensemble: best. class. ever.
• Bro Tueller being a total Baroque rockstar with is Baroque guitar
• Bro T: "I'm going to quit the cello, and be a rockstar!" (throws his arms in the air)
• Me: "Put your hands in the air!"
• Naomi: "Yzma! Put your hands in the air!"
• Bro T: "I love that movie!!"
• *three minute-long Emperor's New Groove quoting session*
• 12:45 Sight singing test in Mentor Group
• Fail.
• Only thing Steven could tell me: "Um...have a good weekend?"
• Procrastinating going to Capstones with eSpencer, Dan, Tim, and Mason. Always fun :)
• Walking to and from Capstones in the wind and rain, listening to Beethoven, Dvorak & Camila <3
• Matt and Dan. The Disney Electric Light Orchestra. Kid Kadets. Enough said.
• Turning pages for eSpencer in his pre-recital hearing (he ROCKED it)
•  "Practicing" (read: half practicing, half chatting with Naomi, Matt, Dan, and David)
• Coming home to an INCREDIBLY AWESOMELY decorated apartment! My roommates ROCK The totally awesome tent in our front room!
• They got my favorite food recipe from my mom, and MADE it!
•  

The birthday presents from my roommates!! :) They are so wonderful!

• We had a picnic on the floor, under the tent, complete with fruit snacks, S'more Brownies, and Jurassic Park II.
• Went back to the Snow to meet up with a few people to get ice cream
• Hung out at the Snow for an hour, messing around with Naomi, eSpencer, Chris, Dan, Jacquelyn, and Emily.
• Naomi riding Chris' longboard up and down the halls
• Dan jumping in front of her and making her wreck
• Me, Naomi, Kiara, Jacquelyn, Chris, and eSpencer squeezing into Naomi's car to go to G's Dairy
• Realizing G's Dairy was closed. :(
• As we drive out of the parking lot, this other car stops on its way in. The guy gave us the weirdest look!
• Rocking out to Aerosmith and perfecting our Steven Tyler screams on the way to Dairy Queen
• Laughing too long and too loud :)



Best. Picture. Ever.

I don't know who The Zonks are, why DQ loves them, or why that one guy is sitting so seductively (read: AWKWARDLY) on the truck, but I absolutely LOVE this picture.

• DQ Ice Cream and laughs
• Overhearing conversation at the table next to us: "I think I'll just have to go cut myself now..."
• Geeking out about music with some of my favorite people :)
• Hanging out outside the Snow
• The Penguin Game
• The crabs/seagulls from Finding Nemo "Mine, mine, mine!" "Hey, hey, hey ,hey!"
• QUACK! quack quack quack quack quack!
• "F you guys!.....Are you okay?"
• Naomi being...Naomi.
• Chris' laugh
• Mormon drunkenness
• Kitten in a Tree song

Sooo many awesome things. Lots of amazing people. Absolutely fantastic birthday.  :)