Filterless

2.5 hours of sleep.

No, it's really not as fun as it sounds. 

The reason isn't nearly as fascinating as the outcome.

I find being sleep deprived so funny. You force yourself out of bed and the whole time you're getting dressed, you feel like you want to throw up. For the next hour, it's an epic battle to keep your eyes open. Blinking too long is sketchy. Praying gets downright dangerous.

Then, when you power yourself through that first hour, you're unbelievably awake. You chat (too much), you laugh (too loud), you become the life of the party.

For about an hour.

Then you crash again.

And the day kinda goes on like that. You have moments of brilliance, followed closely by the more-frequent moments of mind-blowing idiocy. The line between laughing and crying is so very thin, and an off-hand comment from anyone could produce either. It's literally a 50-50 chance sort of thing.

Plus, you know, the obvious lion-yawns and monster headaches and the lack of ability to process anything.

But for some reason, I take it one step further.

I lose my filter.

Now, I flatter myself that I generally have a very good filter (trust me, you would not believe how good of an actor I can be)-- it's not perfect by any means, but it works pretty well.

I mean, some people don't even really have a filter. They just let whatever pops into their head pop right back out.

It can be a good thing.

Most of the time.

I think the reason that I lose my filter is due to the whole "lack-of-processing" thing. I literally don't have time to think through what I'm about to say before I see it floating in the air right in front of me. Add in the time it takes for me to focus on these floating words, read them back, and process just what exactly I said, and you've got several seconds of silence before I realize I have either just offended or greatly amused the person I'm talking to. 

The worrying thing is, I can't even count on text messaging or other non-face-to-face interaction to save me. You'd think I'd have time to process what I'm saying when I'm typing out the message; you'd be wrong. 

I don't know.

On a certain level, going filterless for a day is extremely liberating. Aren't there a bunch of sayings about putting yourself and your thoughts out there everyday for people to see? About how it's supposed to be good for the soul, and might even land you the man of your dreams or the opportunity of a lifetime?

....

Well. I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, I got off a couple of really good zingers that I never would have said had my filter been in working condition. 

But mostly it was just hard. 

Hard when someone would talk to me and I couldn't give a decent percentage of my attention or excitement to them and they assumed in me a sense of apathy.

Hard when someone I care about makes a joke, needles me with a tease, or responds to a serious comment with humor and I snap back without comprehending. 

Hard when you can't even explain why you're acting the way you're acting.  

I like my filter. I like the way it works and I'm very grateful for it.

I guess all this was really just a long way of getting to the point where I can say sorry.

I honestly apologize for anything that came out of my mouth that probably shouldn't have.

Gettin the filter looked at this weekend. Should be good to go by Monday.

I hope.